Her Dream Was His Hope
by ChaseingTheWind
Summary: When he woke, her name was as a prayer upon his lips. When the night came however, it was like a poison that left him dry, and yet he begged for more (Kaidan/Femshep)
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: **Hi everyone! Here is another Shenko pairing. I love them together. By the way, I am 'pretending' she has her N7 hoodie in all 3 games, FYI! This story will get kind of dark

Anyhow, if you have any comments or advice, I'd love to hear them

Note: I was on some intense medication last night due to broken foot so the story was kinda messed up and did not show what I wanted, I fixed it. The first chap is small, the others will likely be longer in length

**Revised: **

12/31/14: Removed Citadel as the place the crew was taking shore leave. We don't know exactly where they are right now. It might be citadel, it might be earth, it might be the 5th level of hell, we just don't know. Hell, citadel might not even work in this story, I put it there out of habit

**Disclaimer**: Bioware and EA owns all

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><p><strong>Shock<strong>

The soft hum of the ship vibrated underneath him, as he quietly stared at the wall with a vacant expression. He was in the storage area alone, everyone else was off on leave or above deck. Kaidan Alenko did not care, he just sat.

"Where are you?" he whispered to himself, eyes tracing the blue slated paneling. "Where are you?"

He felt nothing, only emptiness. Even anger would be something, but that eluded him as well. _She didn't want me. She left me like this_. He banged his head twice against the wall he was leaning on, before bringing his hands to his forehead, bracing himself for the migraine he knew would come. He clenched his eyes closed, taking long deep breaths._ I don't understand! I ….. can't ….. think._ He looked up, noticing the mako across from him. He hated that thing, it always made him dizzy, especially the way she drove it. Dear God, that woman was crazy.

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><p>"<em>Oh God, Shepard, you are crazy!" he groaned, holding his head.<em>

"_Kaidan, you need to loosen up! Oh look, think we can get to the mineral deposit faster if we take a shortcut over there?" Shepard asked, a twinkle in her eyes that he learned to dread._

"_Shepard? I do not see a path that way, there isn't a way down in that direction?" Kaidan asked, a perplexed frown on his face._

"_Shepard, don't you dare break my, baby!" Garus scolded, his eyes wide. "Oh shit!"_

"_What?" Kaidan asked, and then he saw it. Shepard was going to jump the ledge. "Shepard, what the hell!"_

_The mako's speed increased dramatically, and Kaidan could actually feel his stomach turning.** Dear God, this woman is crazy**. Her eyes were alive, the blue in them twinkling with excitement. She threw him a glance over her shoulders, smiling softly, the smile she reserved for him, only. He pursed his lips, holding on to his seat as if his life depended on it, and it did. There was a lurch as the vehicle jumped the ledge, and then a sense of weightlessness as the mako went airborne for a couple of seconds, before gravity took over and slammed them down. Kaidan clenched his eyes shut, knowing this would be his last breath. Then again, every time he got in this accursed thing with Shepard, he thought it would be his last breath. _

_He felt soft hands grip his arm. "Kaidan, you have to just embrace the danger or you'll miss the thrills," she said, her gaze turning back to the front._

"_Yeah, I have to live. But, when you kill us with that mako of yours, it will be a mute point," he replied, scowling. She just rolled her eyes at him. "Kaidan, I swear, you are so uptight. You need to relax, close your eyes, and look death in the face! It feels so," she closed her eyes. "It feels so...Well I feel alive!"_

"I don't need to look death in the face to feel alive, Shepard. I feel alive just fine without taking your shortcuts." He felt a smile form on his lips. "I think, you know, _You must be a real adrenaline junkie, Shepard!" he called out, smirking._

_She glanced at him over her shoulder. "Yep, when I can, I like to play hard," she purred, lifting a brow, a soft smile playing at the corner of her lips. "really hard"_

_Kaidan felt heat rise to his cheeks as he met her gaze. His heart skipped a beat as his whiskey colored eyes met her light blue. _

"_Ah, yeah. I guess with what is thrown at you daily, you deserve a break every now and then," he said, trying to cool down the situation, and his own rising heat._

_She just shook her head, that soft smile still playing on her lips, as she turned her eyes back to the front, once again._

_God, he really hated that mako._

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><p>He hated that mako. It now reminded him of her, and he did not want to think about her. He couldn't block the influx of memories though, or the way his heart throbbed at thought of her. Her name repeated itself over and over within his mind. God, he missed her. <em>Sara...Sara...Sara...<em>

He heard footsteps heading his way. They slowed, and he heard Liara's soft voice rising above the thrumming of the engines. "Kaidan? Kaidan? Are you in here?"

He gave no reply, just sat staring at the wall, staring blankly.

_Just gotta keep quiet, she'll go away. Just gotta keep quiet._

"Kaidan? I know you are in here," she said, her footsteps drawing near. "Oh, Kaidan," she whispered when she found him behind some boxes strewn about.

_Don't look at me. just leave me alone. I ... Can't think!, _he thought. He looked up, glancing at her for a second. He had no desire to speak. _Just __go away, I ... Just... Can't think! _He just sat in his spot, turning has eyes back to the wall, staring at nothing.

"Kaidan, you have been here all day. You will fell better if you just get out of here. You haven't eaten! Just get up and eat Kaidan. Please," she said, her tone gentle.

He did not reply, his gaze not faltering. He did not feel any hunger, he did not feel any pain. He just felt...empty and tired. _Just wanna sleep, just wanna close my eyes. _He didn't want to talk to her, he just wanted to...disappear.

"Kaidan, I... I know you are hurt .." she said, timidly reaching for his shoulder. He did not look up at her, his gaze kept fixedly on the wall. "Please Kaidan, please try"

"No," he whispered, his tone sounding trance-like as if speaking from a script. "I am fine. You should go"

"Kaidan..." she tried again.

"Liara, you should go. It is alright, you should go" he replied, not looking up at her.

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><p>"<em>Liara, you should go. Go out, have some fun!" said Ashley, a wide smile on her lips.<em>

_Kaidan was impressed at how Ashley had changed in just the few months he knew her. Before she hated all aliens with a passion, although she said it wasn't hate. But, she seemed to change. He knew what sparked that change, Shepard did. Shepard seemed to influence everyone around her. _

"_I do not know if I should. There is so much to research, and we are heading to Novaria. Shepard said we will be going after the Citadel. I should not waste any time," Liara said, shaking her head._

"_Hmm, Liara, I think I agree with Ashley. You have been cooped up in your dig site for too many years. You need to go out, have some fun! I'll tell you what, I will join you tonight," said Shepard, appearing out of nowhere. "So, where we going?"_

"_Flux, ma'am" replied Kaidan, giving her a brief glance. She wore her hair in a braid, small strands of red hair flowing about wildly. She was dressed in her black N7 hoodie, the zipper pulled down just so. _

"_Kaidan," she started, shaking her head. "Stop calling me ma'am, well in present company? We have discussed this! Well, guess we better get a move on. Liara, you are going, even if I have to drag you there myself!"_

"_OK, Shepard" replied Liara, quite taken aback. **She still doesn't know how to take us. **Kaidan patted Liara on the shoulder, and winked at her. She jumped, her wide eyes darting around._

_The four of them started the short walk to the elevator, loose and carefree. _

**Liara, you should go...**

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><p>Kaidan shook his head, memories pounding into him, violently. So vivid, he closed his eyes again. He opened them, and resumed his vigil – staring at the wall.<p>

"I'll be back" she said, a gentle squeeze on his shoulder.

Again, he did not reply. He heard her footsteps leaving, becoming fainter. The sound of the elevator broke through the silence, her footsteps sounding again to walk inside. _The only person I want here is Sara. Sara, where are you. Will you come back?_

"Sara," he whispered, her name lifted like a prayer from his lips. "Sara"


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: **

Wow, thanks for the reviews/follow/and anyone reading this. I appreciate it

Well, here's the next chapter. I guess I am not exactly going to make the 3000 words I thought I would! Anyways, I am still pretty drugged up on my pain meds, so if there are any mistakes ill try to catch them tomorrow

revised: 01/02/15

**Disclaimer**: Bioware and EA owns all

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><p><strong>Anger<strong>

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><p>It seemed like it had been hours since he had first entered the storage area of the ship. Hours, Days? What did it matter? He had no desire to leave. He knew they only had a few days of shore leave, but it wasn't like he had anywhere important to be. She would not be with him, so what did it matter? He didn't care. Breath in, breath out. Wake up, eat, sleep, repeat - that is all his days will become. <em>Just have to get through the day<em>. He just needed to breath, close his eyes and breath. He brought his fingers down down the right side of his unshaven face.

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><p><em>She ran her fingers down his unshaven face, she knew what it did to him. He felt electric chills all along his cheek, goosebumps crawling the left side of his body. God, she loved doing that to him. Her eyes darkened, studying him intently. <strong>What will she do? How will she do it?<strong> He felt the heat rise as sweat trickled from his brow. She just stood there, fingers on his shoulder, a sliver of space between them. He wanted to move forward, wanted to touch her. He needed to touch her! He felt himself jerk, every cell in his body needing to touch hers. Amusement twinkled in the corner of her eyes eyes as she bit her bottom lip, fingers moving even lower. Still, she remained where she was, and he stood as if paralyzed._

"_Kaidan," she whispered, his name spoken with such longing. "I want to feel. Make me feel"_

_There was no warning as her hands pulled his head down, her lips seeking his earnestly. Wrapping his arms around her, he held her tightly, the kiss growing deeper by the seconds. He wanted her. He needed her. He breathed her. He moved her up against the closed door, both his hands moving to cup her face. **So beautiful, she's so beautiful**. Her lips parted, his tongue sliding within. His hands moved to her hands, clenching them, raising them just above her head. She gasped, pulling her hands out of his grasp. Her hands moved to his hips, pulling him into her. His lips traced a path from her lips to her neck before the tip of his tongue found her ears._

"_Sara, how shall I make you feel? What do you want?" he breathed, tracing the outer shell of her ears with the tip of his tongue, causing her to whimper softly. _

"_Everything," she said, running her fingers down the right side of his unshaven face._

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><p><em>She loved his unshaven face<em>. He clenched his hands into a fist, banging them against the metal floor, echoing throughout the room. A blue haze enveloped him, as his fists kept pounding, his hand throbbing. He didn't care. The pain fed into his anger, it fed into his rage. He slammed his head against the wall again, breathing rapidly. He finally stopped the abuse to the floor, to his fist. He closed his eyes tight, leaning back against the wall. This time, the emptiness did not give him escape. Instead, all he felt was rage. He wanted to pound into the floor, into the wall... into anything.

He heard the sounds of the elevator again, a door opening. _Go away, just go away_. The footsteps drew near, undeterred by his bitter thoughts. He kept his legs stretched out, eyes glaring. He felt like ice, and he would make sure anyone who came near him, felt it as well.

"Kaidan," called Liara. Her brows furrowed. "You are still down here." She frowned, the skin around her eyes tightening. She tried to reach his gaze. "You haven't left."

He scowled, the heat of his anger seeping into his eyes. He finally met her gaze, watching in satisfaction as her eyes widened. "Liara, I told you I am fine. What about that do you not understand? I just want to be alone. Please leave," he growled, looking to the wall as if he would enjoy nothing more than slamming the mako into it.

Liara's arched her brows, eyes opening wide. She then drew her brows together, pursing her lips. "Shepard would be angry," she said, stepping closer to him. "if I just left you like this"

_Shepard would be angry_

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><p><em>Sara would be angry if she comes to the apartment and see's this, he thought, shaking his head ruefully. Books and clothes were all scattered around the floor, the place was a mess! He got back to cleaning it, hoping to get a good majority of the work done before she arrived. <em>

_"Kaidan, what the hell is this?" yelled the very angry voice of one Sara Shepard. _

_Kaidan winced, looking around. "Umm, a mess?"_

_That was obviously the wrong thing to say. **Oh shit, shes pissed**. Her eyes narrowed, brow arching. "Yes, I can see it is a mess. What...the...hell...happened?"_

_"I was reorganizing everything. I thought I would be finished before you got here" he said, giving her the most innocent smile he could muster._

_"Damnit, Kaidan. We had plans tonight!" she growled, hands on her hips._

_Oh shit, I forgot about that._

_"I .. ah...I will get this cleaned then when we get back?" he said, grimacing._

_"When we get back? How will we even walk in this... mess?" she said, eyes shooting to his. _

_"Umm, we could get a hotel?" he said, smiling as if he found the most brilliant answer in the world._

_"Kaidan, you better have this damn mess cleaned up by the time we leave tonight. You have four hours, so I suggest you move, soldier!" she said, her tone brooking no argument. _

_He winced, and nodded. Yep, Sara was angry._

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><p><em>Shepard would be angry. I give a shit, I'm angry too. <em>

"Well she isn't here. Her anger doesn't matter. So you have done your 'duty', Liara. Leave," he said, his tone hard.

"Kaidan, I do not want to leave you here like this! You have not eaten, you don't look like you have slept for days. You smell! Have you even taken a shower?" asked Liara, her voice heatedly.

"I don't care about eating. I don't feel like sleeping, and whose business is it if I have taken a shower or not," he grunted, a permanent scowl eched on his face.

"Well I think it would be the business of the entire ship! Kaidan, you need to do...something!" she hissed, hands up in the air.

"I am doing something. I am sitting here. Liara, go away. I just want... I just want to be left alone" he whispered, shrugging.

"Kaidan," she said, eyes downcast. She drew her brows together, closing her eyes. The curve of her lips moving downward. He looked at her, sighing. _Why won't she just go away?_ She put her hands on her hip, her stance letting him know that she would not be moving. He frowned. _Her face, those freckles_. Shepard always thought the freckles were one of Liara's most adorable feature.

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><p>"<em>Shepard always said her freckles was her most adorable feature. I have to say, she's right," said Ashley handing a formal dress to Liara. "Here try this on"<em>

"_I, I couldn't, Ashley," Liara said, her brows furrowed. "This is too much. You all have been very kind"_

"_Liara, I have other dresses, I really want you to try this on," said Ashley, smiling warmly. _

"_I..well if you are sure," replied Liara, wide eyed.** Liara always seems to be wide eyed about something! **_

_Kaidan grinned, starting away to the door. "Well ladies, I will leave you to it"_

_He felt warm breath behind him, a body pressed up against his frame. "Well, Kaidan, I leave you for one minute and find you," whispered Shepard, grinning. She kissed his neck, her lips lingering there. "With two of my closest friends"_

_Kaidan looked up, noticing that the other two were not aware that Shepard stopped by. He leaned his head back, a contented smile on his face. "I am not sure how I should feel about this," she purred. "I might have to be upset"_

"_Maybe you can punish me later," he laughed, winking. Her eyes widened, a soft smile on her lips. "Maybe I will," she whispered._

_She looked at the other two ladies, grinning. "So, are we still looking to find Liara something to wear?" _

"_Yeah," said Ashley. "I think we are settling on this blue one"_

_The blue dress was quite lovely, it was strapless, the length looked like it would go just above the knee caps. Not that he would know anything about dresses, he didn't wear them. He watched Shepard, always captivated by her presence. Her long red hair was outside its braid, hanging gently on her shoulder. He longed to run his fingers through it. _

"_I do not know, Shepard. I do not feel comfortable going to a club, or dancing for that matter," Liara said, looking down. "I am sure I will not look as nice as you"_

"_Liara, you will look beautiful!" exclaimed Ashley, taking her by the shoulder. "You will look captivating!"_

"_Besides, you have those adorable freckles," Shepard added. Always with her strange sense of humor! "I mean I think they are the most adorable thing about you!"_

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><p><em>Those freckles. <em>"Liara, I just want to be left alone! I don't want to be around anyone," he growled, looking away.

"Kaidan, Shepard ..." she started.

"I don't give a damn what Shepard wants or needs! Do you see her here? Do you?" he said, his voice rising. "DO YOU!"

"Well no," she said, jumping from his vehemence, eyes growing alarmed. "but"

He took a deep breath. _Gotta calm down, can't lose it in front of her_. He closed his eyes. "Go away, Liara," he breathed out, hard eyes boring into hers.

She shook her head fervently, brows still bunched together. "I don't ..."

Suddenly, a blue outline enveloped him, his eyes heating. Liara was pushed, forcefully, away from him. Out of reflex, she was also enveloped in blue, throwing a biotic barrier around herself. _Why wont she just go? Leave me!_ "GO!" he shouted at her, trying to push her again, but her barrier held. He did not care, he walked slowly towards her, putting everything he had in the push. Her eyes looked at him desperately, lips trembling. She tried to open her mouth, but shut it again. _Just leave, damnit. Just leave!_ He kept pushing, his veins pulsing. There was pounding in his head, and the corner of his vision grew dark, but he didn't care. _Gotta make her leave_. He wanted Liara gone, he wanted everyone gone. He kept pushing as she stood her ground, shaking her head softly, pursing her lips. Blood dripped from his nostrils, trailing down his face. Finally, after so much exertion, he collapsed, the ground appearing closer and closer. His head hurt, now worse by the crack that vibrated on the floor. _Oh God, my head._ "Kaidan!" he heard her scream, footsteps moving closer, but sounding so far away at the same time. He was confused, nothing made sense. The haze in his vision got worse, everything was blurry, everything was dark.

"Oh Kaidan! Shepard would hate to see you like this! It would have killed her," she whispered, squatting down by him. She put her hand on his back, moving it up and down, trying to offer him comfort.

_She left me, so she can't see me. Doesn't matter anyways_. "Well she can't see me, now can she. I doubt she'd care," he hissed, closing his eyes, reaching out for the blessed darkness.

Oh, Kaidan, you don't mean that," came her breathy reply.

"Sara," he cried out. Finally, he found relief as everything went black. _Sara._

* * *

><p>Hands were on him, lifting him. He grunted, moving his head left and right. "Hey man, you had a pretty bad drop there," said one of the marines carrying him to the elevator.<p>

"What?" asked Kaidan. "Where?"

"Oh yeah, we are taking you to med bay," the solider replied, nodding.

"Med bay? I don't want .." he said, closing his eyes against the light invading the elevator.

"Sorry, man. Doctors orders," replied the other marine.

"I hate doctors," he growled, closing his eyes.

_She always hated dealing with the doctors. _

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><p><em>She always hated doctors, and it was a pain to get her to go. They were back from a mission, finding Wrex's family armor. The mission went by smoothly until they came face to face with Tonn Actus. Damn turians. She was at the right place at the wrong time when a bullet from Tonn's shotgun shot through her shoulder. You would have thought she would go down, but not Shepard. She dropped, rolled, and ducked behind one of the crates. Kaidan will always remember Tonn's face when she rose to her knees and shot him point blank with just her pistol. Yep, she was a thrill seeker. Definitely, very unlike himself.<em>

_When they got back to the Normandy, Shepard was mumbling every profanity known to man as she was sorting through her locker. Dr. Chakwas ordered her to the med bay to make sure the shoulder was healing right, and as usual, Shepard hated that. _

"_I put medi-gel on it, Kaidan. What more does she want?" Shepard asked exasperated, glaring at him._

"_Well, I would say she wants you to let her check your shoulder out," he said, lips trying to suppress a smile his eyes couldn't hide._

"_Well, you have a talent for stating the obvious," she grumbled, scowling._

"_Shepard, she is just checking your shoulder. It shouldn't be that difficult. It won't take that long of a time," Kaidan sighed, wincing from her gaze. _

_At that precise moment, Dr. Chakwas herself, chose to walk up to them. "Sara, .." she began._

"_Dr. Chakwas, I was just about to go see you. I just, I just need to go over some reports first, in my quarters," Shepard said, looking imploringly at Kaidan. "Kaidan said he had some things he needed me to look over with him"_

"_Commander?" Kaidan started, perplexed. "I .."_

_Shepard rolled her eyes with him, moving past him. "I should have known," she grumbled._

"_God, I really hate dealing with the doctors" she hissed, standing to the side, glaring into the doctor's amused stare._

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><p><em>She always hated dealing with the doctors.<em>

"Well here we are, sir. I guess we will leave you to it," replied the marine, saluting him. Kaidan didn't even bother to give any reaction. He just laid in the bed, eyes starting at the ceiling.

"Kaidan, " said Dr. Chakwas running a quick scan over him. "You had us worried"

"Sorry," he mumbled, eyes gazing ahead.

Her lips pursed, as she studied him. Everything became blurry to him. He still felt so angry, but at the same time, he felt to exhausted to express it. _I just want to sleep. I wish … Sara, where are you._

"I … just want to sleep," he whispered, voice so soft.

"I understand, dear. I will give you something to calm you," she said gently, before he felt a prick in his upper arm. "That should do it"

_Where are you Sara, damn you, where are you. Sometimes, I hate you. God._


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note**: Thanks to everyone reading, faving and reviewing this story. I think I only have about three more chapters. Yay

Vorcha Girl – I am making it ambigious as to which mass effect we are on. I think as the story gets more drawn out, you will know.

Bert-Wrighty – I know how much you love Liara /smirk

**Disclaimer**: Bioware and EA owns it all

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><p><strong>Bargaining<strong>

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><p>The lights were dim when he awoke, groaning from the lingering effects of his headache. His hand reached over for her, but was met with open air. <em>Sara<em>. He was not in their bed, he was in one of the twin sized beds of the med bay. Sitting up, He cradled his head in his hands, his brain feeling foggy. Slowly, previous events flashed in his mind. _Liara_. He had attacked Liara! He buried his face in his hand, closing his eyes for a brief second. He had to find Liara at some point, but right now he didn't wish to see anyone.

"And how are you feeling?" asked an all to perky voice behind him.

He turned and was met with a pair of dark green eyes underneath an arching eyebrow. An older woman studied him, leaning forward slightly. Her gray hair laid just below her chin, covering a pale forehead. She was tall and lean wearing a loose lab coat.

"Like my head was ran over by angry verren." he said, running his hands though his hair.

"I see. Yes, you weren't in good shape when you were brought in last night," she said, her eyes soft.

"Yeah, I had an incident in the storage area," he said, looking down. "Where is Dr. Chakwas?"

"Who?" She asked, her eyes narrowed.

He tilted his head, confusion making way to frustration. "Dr Chakwas. She was here when I was brought up."

"I'm sorry, dear. There is no Dr. Chakwas here. Nope, just me" she said, maintaining eye contact.

Kaiden's breath quickened, what was going on? He swallowed, his throat dry. Wasn't he on the Normandy? Where was Dr. Chakwas? "I don't understand."

"You seemed to have gone into shock when you overloaded your biotics." she replied.

_This is not right!_

"This isn't right!" He said, his voice rising. "She was here when I came in!"

"No dear, there was just me," she replied, holding her palms out. "There was just me."

"I . . ." Kaiden started, tightening his lips. "I don't understand. Who are you?"

"I am Dr. Madison," she said. "Forgive me, but I do believe we met the other day?"

"I ..." said Kaiden, his voice in a low whisper. "I don't know what to trust."

Dr. Madison considered him a moment, her head tilted to the side. She started to speak, but he only heard the last part of the conversation. "And she was really worried. She doesn't want to lose you ..."

"I lost her," whispered Kaiden, his eyes downcast.

"Excuse me?" asked the doctor, wrinkling her brow.

_I lost her._

* * *

><p><em>He couldn't lose her. But, he couldn't stop the flood of thoughts slamming into him, almost taking his breath away. He put his palms to his forehead, feeling the sweat clinging to his brow. He had to talk to her. He had to force the issue, or it would always stand between them like a glass barrier with jagged edges. With his heart beating out of his chest, he walked to the door to her cabin. It was closed. Locked. He stood at the door, and froze. What would he say to her? Was there anything that he could say? His breaths came in rapid gulps, eyes blinking rapidly. He had to see her. He would see her. He requested admittance with his omni tool, leaving it at that. He didn't say why he wanted to see her, just that he was outside her door. He would leave it in her hands if they would talk. Seconds passed and nothing happened. Maybe, she didn't care to see him anyways? He didn't think about what he would do if he couldn't even see her! While trapped in his thoughts, he heard a click of the lock. She accepted his request.<em>

_I can't lose her._

_It was dark when he walked in her quarters. She sat slumped over by her desk, her hands cradling her head. She did not look up when he entered, she just stayed in that position. He walked closer and saw she was trembling, the hands covering her face clenched in tight fists._

"_Shepard?" he asked, rubbing the nape of his neck._

_She didn't respond. He moved closer to her, his hands itching to cover her shoulder. Would it be welcome? He heard small gasps in her direction, and felt his heart clench. _

"_Shepard?" he tried again, his voice soft._

_There was no response. She just sat there trembling, gasping. Her shoulders were shaking, and it took everything in him to stand where he was. He ran his hands through his hair, needing to grip something. He saw her breath deeply, and lift her head. She did not look back at him._

"_I had no choice, Kaiden," She said, her voice in a soft whisper. "It was Ashley or you. I chose you. I have to live with that decision. I allowed my feelings for you jeopardize the mission"_

_Now she turned to him, her face wet with tears, her eyes lidded. She had had her arms crossed tightly as if hugging herself. Her eyes, they looked dead. Kaiden felt the air leave his lungs, clenching his fists together. _

"_It should never have happened. I shouldn't feel this way for you," she whispered, drawing her face down. "It is wrong"_

_His rising guilt at the entire situation gave way to his need to protect her from herself._

"_Shepard, I was protecting the bomb. I hate that Ashley .." he swallowed hard, lips trembling. "I hate that Ashley died. But, the bomb had to go off. I would have made the same call. Anyone would have made that call"_

_He hard a small cry from her then, and he clasped his hands over his head. The need to go to her was overwhelming, but something was holding her back. He couldn't take being rejected by her. Not now._

"_Kaiden," she looked up at him again, her face contorted. "I would have picked you if she had been with the bomb. I would have jeopardized the entire mission. For you."_

_No, she couldn't mean that. He felt his heart plummet, and then race. He knew that his entire time with her had led up to this moment. She was baring her heart to him, leaving herself vulnerable. He bowed his head, realizing Ashley's death was his fault. He caused this by allowing his feelings for her to intensify. They were like fire with a touch of gasoline. What was he to do now? What was she going to do? He could not lose her!_

"_I . . . I think it would be best if we didn't . . ." she started, another sob escaping her lips. "if we . . . stayed away . . . if . . . oh God, I can't do this"_

_She covered her heads with her arms, her body shaking in uncontrollable sobs. That did it. He couldn't take it anymore. In one swift motion, he had his arms around her, grasping her tightly to him. At first she froze up, pushing her hands against him, but he held on. Finally, she fell into his chest, gripping collar of his shirt, sobbing desperately._

"_I couldn't lose you," she cried, her sobs mixing with the words. "I couldn't lose you. I can't lose you"_

_He wrapped his arms securely around her, pressing her body into his own. It broke him to see her this way. It broke her. They had to get through Ashley's death together. He couldn't lose her._

"_I can't lose you, Shepard" he said, clutching her fiercely. "I just can't"_

_He felt a deep seated ache in his heart, his breath bursting out rapidly as she shook in his arms, what if I had just lost her? Will we be able to get through this? _

_I can't lose her._

* * *

><p><em>I lost her.<em>

"Anyways, if you don't have any further medical complaints, you are free to go," assured the doctor, nodding to him.

He grunted his thanks to her as he walked out into the mess hall. Food. Food might be good. Unfortunately, when he stepped further in the room he saw Garrus.

Kaiden felt Garrus's eyes on him as he reached for a plate of something that had been left for the crew. He sat on one of the tables, and took a bite of whatever regulation piece of garbage they were feeding him. He didn't care, it had no taste, was bland. It looked to be a sandwich, but you could never tell!

He still felt Garrus's gaze on him, and he looked up, and sure enough he met Garrus's eyes.

"What, Garus?" he asked, clenching his jaw.

Garus stood silent a moment, studying him. "It's good to see you out and about."

Kaiden's eyes narrowed to slits. "I've been around,"

"Yeah, I know. I hear you and Liara had an intense sparring session earlier," the turian replied, his mandibles twitching.

Kaiden stared ahead, his lips in a firm line. Crossing his arms, he lowered his head. "She . . . I just wanted to be alone, and she could not see it."

Garus leaned forward, regarding him. "I see. You're lucky Shepard wasn't here."

Kaiden felt his stomach give. He threw his hand to his mouth quickly, as he started gagging. He ran to the men's restroom, emptying the contents of his stomach"

_You're lucky Shepard wasn't here_

He came out, feeling heat in his eyes, and Garus was still sitting at on of the tables. Kaiden's eyes flashed for a moment before removing all emotion.

_You're lucky Shepard wasn't here._

He took a deep breath, fists clenched at his forehead. He closed his eyes tightly, feeling sweat dripping down the sides of his face. He could not lose control now. He already lost it with Liara. He could not lose it with Garus.

_Don't think. Don't think. Breath in. Breath out. _

"I'm sorry about that. Something I ate didn't agree with me," he whispered, his voice hoarse. "Sorry."

Garus turned to him, his lips moving. He was talking, but all Kaiden could think of was Shepard. The reapers could take the world, all color could drain, if only he could have her. He would give it all up, if only she would come back to him. Was he being punished because of Ashley's death? He would have gone in Ash's stead, if only to take away this constant ache in his chest. _Sara_. She was like a constant prayer on his lips. She took his breath away, torturing him slowly like a lingering poison. He didn't want anything, just Sara. _Would my death satisfy the Gods of this life_? _If I gave my life, would they grant me peace? _Peace. There was no peace, not without her to wake up next to every morning, feeling her upon his chest. Not without being filled with the scent of her hair, its silkiness tickling his nose. He missed her scent, peppermint mixed with everything that was Sara! He missed her soft smile, the way her nose would wrinkle with her eyes. Her soft smile she only had for him. _Sara Where are you_! He needed her like he needed air. Yeah, at the end of time, his lids would be full of her. Why did she leave him? Why wasn't he good enough? Did she ever truly love him? Can you leave someone you love, the way she did? He shook his head violently, those thoughts were dangerous.

He looked up to see Garus was still talking. _Do you feel anything, Garus. Does anything matter to you? Are you so apathetic_. "I think I could drink myself into oblivion. Would be nice to forget just one day."

_Forget just one day._

* * *

><p>"<em>Kaiden, we are on leave. Can't you forget we are soldiers for just one day," Sara purred, wrapping her arms around him from behind. "You know what they say, after all. All work and no play makes a very unhappy Sara! I doubt you want to see that!"<em>

_Kaiden chuckled. He turned around and pulled her into him. He growled before he brought his lips to ears. "But an unhappy Sara leads to a very attentive and energetic Sara later on." _

_Sara gasped as he pulled away to watch her, his hands on her shoulder. Her eyes widened, the blues of her irises darkened, her pupils dilating. Her tongue darted out, wetting her lips. He took her cheeks in both of his hands, crashing his lips into hers. _

_Her hands were pulling at his hair, squeezing. He breathed her in. God, he wanted her. Kaiden trailed his fingers down the side of her face, to her neck, down her side, and underneath her shirt. He moved his hands upwaards past the warmth of her stomach, up towards the underside of . . . **Beep. Beep. **_

"_What the fuck!" yelled Sara, her hair disheveled. _

_Her omnitool beeped once more. "What the fuck!" taking a deep breath, "Shepard."_

_She listened intently, her eyes narrowing. Sighing, she looked up at Kaiden, a frown on her face. "Rain check?" she sighed. "Duty calls. Those damn geth! I swear, for interrupting us, I will shove a bolt so far up . . . God, why can't we just have one damn day to forget"_

_Forget just one day._

* * *

><p>Kaiden nodded to Garus, agreeing emphatically. Yeah, he would love to have just on day to forget. Just one, to forget her. Could he ever forget her. His hands clenched into fists as he tried to get control of himself, nails digging into his palms. He wondered if this day could get any worse.<p>

"Hello, Kaiden" he heard.

Yep, the day could get worse.

"Hello, Liara" he replied, drawing his eyes to the floor.

He needed to talk to her. After what happened yesterday, he knew he had to. But, he didn't know what to say. He overreacted. Lost control.

"I am glad . . . " she breathed, furrowing her brows. "that you are eating."

"I didn't have much of a choice," he replied, rubbing his chin. "Listen, Liara. I want to -"

"Kaiden, please don't think on it. I understand completely," said Liara, a soft smile on her lips, eyes wrinkling at the edges.

"Maybe so., but I do apologize. That should of never happened" he said, drawing his eyes to hers.

He noticed the moisture around her lids, making her blue eyes stand out. _She did have beautiful eyes. She always did_. Her brows drew up as if pondering this new action, her forehead wrinkled. She blushed and then turned away, pressing her hands together on her lap.

"Thank you, Kaiden, I appreciate that," she said, smiling up at him again.

Kaiden nodded, his lips returning to his sandwich. He always shared his meals with Sara, it seemed wrong with her being absent. He needed her. He missed her.

"I miss having Shepard here . . . " said Liara quietly, as if reading his thoughts. "You know, she loved your hot chocolate. She was always going on about it"

Garus put his hand on her shoulder, but Kaiden didn't notice. He was off in his mind again.

_She loved his hot chocolate._

* * *

><p><em>He always shared his meals with Shepard. Even if it was just the two of them, it was great. In fact, it was better than great. He always looked forward to these moments when she gave him her whole attention. He sighed, confused at his feelings for her. She was his commanding officer, he shouldn't expect her to give focus on him entirely, but in these moments she did.<em>

"_So another lovely day of killing slavers," she said, a gleam in her eye. "On the bright side, it is killing slavers. Just that alone makes my day!"_

_Kaiden couldn't help it. He smiled, absently sliding his chair closer to hers. "Well whatever makes you happy, ma'am. At least there are a few less slavers to enslave anyone. God knows what they do to their victims. I am glad we at least stopped a few."_

_She arched an eyebrow while her eyes narrowed. He saw her body stiffen as her eyes grew cloudy, looking into a place he could not. She slammed her eyes shut while folding her arms to her chest. Finally, after inhaling a deep breath that she blew out slowly, she looked up at him. "Yeah, there is that."_

_Kaiden felt the blood rise to his face. God, he was so stupid. Mindoir. He just didn't think about it, didn't think about her past. He didn't think. She might have family . . . friends . . . taken when she was a kid. She must worry about them. He drew his face away, blinking. God, I wish I could take that back! If only. "'m sorry, Shepard, I didn't mean . . ."_

"_It's OK, lieutenant, you did nothing wrong," she said trying to assure him. "Slavers just . . ."_

_Kaiden nodded at her, there was really nothing else he could say. He always had the habit of putting his foot in his mouth. He walked away and got some hot chocolate from one of the cabinets. He prepared two cups and handed her one when it was finished._

"_Here," he said, offering a peace offering. "This is specially made"_

_She contemplated him for a moment, before taking the steaming hot mug. Closing her eyes, she took a sip, a long drawn out moan escaping her lips. God, those lips. He shook that thought out of his head. This was his commanding officer!_

"_Lieutenant, you been holding out on me?" she asked, biting her lip. "This, there are no words!"_

"_It's from home, ma'am. I always bring it when I go on duty. Gives me something to hold on to," he said, smiling warmly._

_Her face blanched, a nice pink hue rising in her cheeks. "Lieutenant, I can't take this! What if you run out? This is special to you!"_

"_It's OK, ma'am. It's not hard to get. I always have some waiting at the citadel. Parents always mail it to headquarters," he said grinning, winking._

_She smiled softly, her eyes shining, as she drew the cup to her lips. Her gaze did not leave his, and he felt his heart skip a beat. He leaned back in his chair, stretching his neck muscles. He really enjoyed this time with his commander, just talking. He was so fortunate that she made time for him. _

"_Thank you," she said. "This is . . ." she closed her eyes. "rapture. It's better then . . ." _

She let the last part of that sentence hang. It was dangerous after all. A commanding officer shouldn't talk to her subordinate like that. Then again, he shouldn't be meeting her every meal time and offering her his special hot chocolate! He blushed, offering a shy smile.

"I really love your hot chocolate." she breathed, closing her eyes once more.

* * *

><p><em>She loved his hot chocolate.<em>

Kaiden nodded his head in agreement. He felt the corner of his lips threaten to curl up, but that was alright. His hot chocolate was indeed something to smile about. "Yeah," he smiled fully, stretching. "She did."

Kaiden rose from the table, stretching again. "I'm going to head back to the cargo area, see if they need any help."

"Kaiden -" began Liara.

"It's OK Liara, I really just need to be alone right now. "I . . . promise I will come back up here more often. I'll even take a bath"

He tried to wink at her, he really did. He used to love embarrassing Liara, watching her face blush. But, he couldn't bring himself to care right now. Memories were pressing in on him and he had to get out. He all but ran to the elevator, pushing the button to lead him to the lower floor.

_Breath in. Breath out. Sara._

He just needed to make it to the cargo area. Everything would be alright then. It would have to be enough. God, he missed Sara. Not for the first time, he wished it had been him left behind on Virmire and not Ashley. At least then, his heart would not feel as if something massive was pressing in on him. At least then, he wouldn't be slamming his head against the elevator wall. At least then, he would be dead, and Sara would be here. No one would have to miss her. Everyone would be happy. He would be gone, and Sara would be here. He would do anything to make that deal, but there was no devil around to shake on it. He covered his face with his hands, pressing in. Anything to stop the tears. Anything to stop the headache. Yep, he will probably be in the medical bay by the end of the day.

_Sara, I miss you. I hate you._


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's note: **Hi guys. Thanks to anyone who is still reading this or following. Sorry it's taken me so long to update. Anyways here is the next chapter.

I'd like to thank Vorcha Girl for helping me figure out a planet lol – I myself had a migrained =)

* * *

><p><strong>Kaidan's Melancholy.<strong>

* * *

><p>Kaidan sat laying in his bed, his eyes staring at the cracks on the ceiling. It seemed it was all he did these days. Watching. Staring. He had received new orders, but he didn't see the point of it though. He had no desire to move, his energy was spent.<p>

All his life, he wanted to make his father proud. His father watched him with a critical eye, though, and it seemed nothing was ever good enough. His life became a disappointment when his skin first flared with blue electricity. He was then shipped off to BaAT, where he had looked evil in the eye, but had remained strong. He would not crack, even after Rahna turned on him. The program fell after the many abuses came to light, and he was shipped home. His father was distant, his face an everlasting mask of detached interest. It hurt him, but he still went on. He still had his mother, and she was always proud of him. As soon as he was of age, he joined the alliance. Everything seemed to be going his way after that, his career climbing. His future was bright indeed - until he met her.

* * *

><p><em>"Hey man, you see the new XO yet?" asked Joker, his brow wagging. "I hear she's hot."<em>

_Kaidan's lip quirked in a half smile as he shook his head slowly. He sighed. "Joker, I can't believe you would talk about your commanding officer like that. If she heard you, you'll get hit with sexual harassment charges faster than -"_

_Joker narrowed his eyes, interrupting him. "Not everyone walks around with a stick up their ass, Kaidan. Just you."_

_Kaidan lifted an eyebrow, amusement dancing in his eyes. "Joker . . ."_

"_Yes? Is the stick still up your ass?" Joker grinned, looking out the viewing window. "Well, enough about your stick issues. I'd rather talk about the stars. It's beautiful out there. And I get to take this baby in them."_

_Kaidan agreed, he loved the stars, he always had. As a child, before he disgraced his family, he'd lay down, watching the night sky. It almost seemed like a dance, the way the stars seemed to blink. He loved watching. He knew would go to the stars some day, no matter what. He knew this with certainty. _

"_Yeah, it is." Kaidan said, his eyes smiling._

"_Anyhow, you can't tell me you don't think the commander is hot. If I didn't think she would break me, I'd totally be on top of that." _

"_I'm sure you would." _

_Joker's arched an eyebrow, a quirky smile on his lips. "Just say she's hot, Kaidan." _

_Kaidan sighed, shaking his head in amusement. "Joker . . "_

"_Cmon, do it. Tell me she is hot, and I'll leave you alone."_

_Kaidan rolled his eyes, a wry grin on his lips. "Fine. She is hot. She is damned hot."_

_A soft voice, with a hint of amusement came from behind him. "Thank you." _

_Kaidan froze, closing his eyes for a moment. Oh shit. Heat rose from his neck to his face as his heart lurched. It was her. She was behind him._

_Joker gave a wide grin, raising his eyebrows as mischief danced in his eyes. _

_He spun around and stared at her, open-mouthed. Light blue eyes, the color of the sky, was the first thing he noticed. Those eyes studied him with a clear intensity, setting his heart racing. He then noticed the red hair, pulled back smoothly in a hair band, almost shining in the light. Her lips curled in with a hint of amusement as she braced herself against Joker's chair. He knew who she was, this was her. _

__Did she hear their conversation? Obviously she did. Oh God.__

_He didn't know what he was supposed to say in this situation, so he resolved to stay quiet, a shy smile forming on his lips. _

"_Shepard," shouted someone in the CIC. "need you here."_

"_Well duty calls, boys," she said, her eyes lingering on Kaidan. "I'll leave you to it then."_

_Joker waited until she had left before he started chuckling under his breath. Kaidan, for his point, stared after her. _

_Everything changed that day._

* * *

><p>He had his orders, they arrived earlier in the week. His shuttle would depart later that day, and he still had not packed. The ironic part was that he had been the one to ask for this mission. So, he had to get up. He had to move. God, he missed her. He missed her every day.<p>

_Wonder if she is at some bar sharing a drink with someone, like she did with me._

He clenched his teeth as he imagined her laughing with someone else, her sparking eyes gliding over another man, her hands touching another man's cheek. Irrational jealousy. He willed the thoughts out of his head, they would only bring problems. She had made her choice, and he suffered for it.

Guilt weighed on his chest again, a massive pressure hammering into him relentlessly. He didn't know if there was any use getting out of bed. Was there point in anything now? He thought about falling asleep, forgetting his day. He had no desire to get up.

Yet he did.

He sat up on the bed, putting his head in his hands. He knew a headache was brewing, he shouldn't have drank so much tequila the night before. He groaned, remembering everything he had to pack. It was almost pointless. He would never get finished in time as his shuttle was only a few hours away.

_Get up._

He rose and started the arduous task of packing, throwing anything in his bags. He didn't care what was thrown in, as long as he had clothes. He had to hurry if he wanted a shower. Smelling like a liquor store would not earn him any points.

Kaidan sighed. He stretched his muscles and shuffled to the shower, his eyes still half-lidded. The reflection in the mirror showed a stranger. What the hell happened to him? He was unshaven, and his unkempt hair had grown out, sticking out at the ends. He looked like he had lost weight, enough to be noticeable. He rubbed at the dark circles under his eyes, feeling a dull throbbing. He looked horrible, and had for a while now. He sighed. He had to do something before someone noticed.

He didn't bother ironing his uniform, I wasn't that wrinkled, and honestly he didn't care. What was the point of caring anymore, anyways? He walked to the door, took one last look around the apartment he once shared with her, before he departed.

* * *

><p>It had been little over a year before Kaidan was promoted again. Speeches about his dedication were given at every review, but he shrugged them off. He still felt part of himself was missing. He still missed her. He wondered if she was happy without him. He went through the motions, did what was expected of him. He then got new orders to deal with pirate activity in the Kepler Verge. There were rumors of a base that directed most of the operations. And here he was a half of a year later, and they still hadn't gotten a hit.<p>

A year and a half without her.

Kaidan was now part of a special team of operatives that would infiltrate, search and destroy. He stood in the cargo bay accompanied by his squad mates, Jade Andrews and Joseph black. Jade had a lithe build with a delicate face, and high cheekbones. She wore a braid that hid her dark hair behind a leather jacket. Joseph Black was the exact opposite, the typical marine. Tall with a muscular build and broad shouldered, with closely cropped dark hair, he seemed to everything in stride. Their orders had changed to seeking out pirates that were taking colonists in the slave trade, specifically. Rumors pointed to official headquarters the slavers had been working from. Their ship had been running thru the Kepler Verge, trying to find signs of the pirate's base. Kaidan's team was to infiltrate and destroy.

After months of fruitless searching, they finally got a hit. They captured two members of a pirate crew who had been attacking a merchant ship. The mission was like a blur to him. The ship had a large group of pirates that were rounding up crew and any usable goods.

Kaidan had walked in the room, buzzing with energy, blue lightning pulsating through his body. Cold tingles swept through his eyes, his heart rate increasing. He didn't pause. He didn't consider. He just reacted. He hated slavers with a passion, and pirates usually were in the slave business. Not to mention, the crew of the merchant ship was scared shitless.

Three pirates noticed him, their eyes widening, shuffling towards the back wall. They didn't think to look for cover, so they dazed they were.

Kaidan smirked, his hands pointing towards them as a bolt of blue energy shot from his hands and all three pirates were thrown up in the air and then smashing against the wall with a sickening crunch.

Screams of panic echoed throughout the room as Jade shot another down with her sniper rifle, her eyes sweeping through each target.

Joseph basically charged, ducking behind one of the crates, his assault rifle ripping through targets, and bouncing off the walls.

The clicking sound of a bullet hitting the wall behind where Kaidan's cover was, snapped his attention to a bulky man, his shotgun aimed at him.

Blue energy again pulsated through him, creating a almost translucent filmy protection all around him. He shot up, his pistol directed at his foe as the pirate shot scored on his barrier.

It didn't matter.

Kaidan's pistol shot him squarely in the chest, combined with Joseph's fire, the man went down.

That left two. Kaidan turned, his eyes arched dangerously. '_Two more to kill'_, he thought, a feral grin on his lips.

His hand outstretched again, the opponents were lifted in the air, their hands and legs squirming in vain. Kaidan delighted in their widened eyes, and ashen faces. He raised his pistol, about to take the shot.

Before he could pull the trigger, Jade stilled his hand. "Wait, Kaidan, we can get answers from them."

He inclined his head. He waited impassively as she and Joseph rounded the two pirates up and took them to interrogation. He shrugged, he didn't care about that. He did his part, nothing else really mattered. Deep down he knew the truth.

__I wish it was my blood. I wish it was my life.__

On the bright side, there were now less pirates in the world. He always volunteered for those types of missions, the ones in which pirates or slavers were involved. He hated them. She always hated pirates, especially if they were Baterians.

* * *

><p><em>She always hated pirates, especially Baterians.<em>

_Kaiden's eyes widened as he saw three pirates converge behind Shepard. "Shepard behind you!"_

_Shepard merely smirked, and suddenly she was not there anymore. Should've ___known she would cloak, he thought wryly.___ He watched as the two pirates, who were human thankfully as Shepard tended to not think when Baterians were involved, spun. He always enjoyed watching the dumbfounded looks they got, the way their eyebrows would squish together above dull eyes as they tried in vain to spot her. It was comic relief. He loved it more when Shepard would show up behind them, with a pistol directly behind their head, and fire. She was doing it now. _

"_Hello, do me a favor and die." she said, appearing behind one stammering pirate. _

_She shot, and it seemed the pirate's brains fell the floor. Well that wasn't fun to watch, disgusting actually. He wrinkled his nose at her, but she didn't seem to notice. She was in her element, the thrill of battle glowing from her eyes. He really wished she could find some other way to do that. Did she have to get so close? _

_"Kaidan, are you going to sit there and stare all day? Or are you going to ... help?" she asked, her lips curved up, her eyes twinkling with playfulness._

_Kaidan casually lifted his hand, sending another pirate in the air, the blue electricity crackling around him. He noticed when ever he did that, Shepard's eyes would always to linger on him for a second, flashing with some emotion that made his heart race._

_Damn, that woman!_

_They had dispatched the last of the enemy, when Shepard's froze, her shoulders tense._

_Voices came from the hallway towards them, getting louder with each step. Garus was towards the back, in cover, nodding at Shepard. Shepard didn't seem to notice though, her lips curved in a scowl that usually threw cold chills down his spine. _

_Oh shit!_

_His heart beating rapidly, he tried to get her attention. "Shepard, cover! Shepard!"_

_She glanced at him a moment, her eyes finally focusing, and inclined her head. She went over to the crate he was hiding behind, and ducked. She was so close to him now, her thigh touching his. He felt pleasant shivers crawling up and down his legs, causing his biotics to buzz. That seemed to snap her out of whatever haze she was in, as she looked up at him with an arched eyebrow._

_Footsteps followed by two large figures walking in, their accents marking them whirled around the room. They had found the corpses of the other pirates._

_Oh shit!_

_Shepard's eyes glazed over again, and then she was gone._

_Oh shit!_

_There was just five Batarians, nothing they couldn't handle, but Shepard's madness could put her in danger._

_His body crackled with blue energy just as she came out of cloak behind one of the pirates, this time holding a omniblade. He watched in slow motion as the heads of the other Batarians whirled towards her, their hands going for their guns._

_Oh shit!_

_Kaidan sent one of the Batarians flying, slamming against the overhead ceiling, landing on the floor with a resounding crash. He then drew his hands to the other, while Shepard impaled her target, through its neck, kicking it to the floor. The Batarian left targeted her, its gun lining up from the shot. She went down. _

_Kaidan ran like he never ran before as the Batarian readied for another shot. He was helpless now, his energy used up. His eyes widened, his breath coming in gasps. He then heard a shot, but it wasn't from the assault rifle the Batarian was using. That bullet had been from a sniper rifle, Garus's sniper rifle. Kaidan let out a breath he didn't realize he was holding as relief settled into him. _

"_Damn it, Shepard," Kaidan sighed, falling to his knees as he scanned her. "Could you please try to be more careful?"_

_Shepard soft eyes looked up at him and smiled, wincing in pain. "I have you to look out for me, Kaidan."_

_Kaidan sighed, administering medi-gel. "Yeah you do. You do."_

_God, she hated pirates, and she really hated Batarians. _

* * *

><p>He left the shower and walked to the briefing room where they would discuss the findings they received from the pirate that was interrogated. Kaidan just waited, listening with mild interest. They were going to Ontarom. There was a base there, that controlled the operations for a large group of pirates in that sector. They would have to infiltrate, a hit and run mission. Kaiden felt his lips form a smile.<p>

After the briefing he rose, heading towards the crew quarters. He had work to do. He glanced over the data pad, a migraine slowly forming. He rubbed at his temples, groaning.

"Kai, you need to go to the med bay. Looks like you overdid yourself today, yet again." said Jade, her tone brisk.

"I'll go in a little while." he said, his eyes not moving.

"It's your head, but would be nice if your head doesn't compromise us out there tomorrow."

"Jade, I will be okay. I just need to look over these last few things."

"Kai, they can wait till tomorrow. Please, go get some shut eye."

Kaidan glared at her, his eyebrows arched dangerously. Finally, he rose and went to the med bay to receive a shot that would render him unconscious.

He hated these headaches, they always got in the way. There was only one good thing that came out of them. He heard her sing for the first time while he was strung out in the med bay with a migraine. She sang for him, only for him.

* * *

><p><em>He groaned. He felt like a sledgehammer was slamming the side of his head. His stomach lurched, he didn't now if he would keep dinner down.<em>

"_Kaidan," Shepard whispered, walking to his bed. "You're having another migraine?"_

"_Yeah," he winced, breathing in heavily. "this one is pretty bad."_

"_Can I bring you anything?" she asked, eyes narrowed in concern. _

"_No, I just gotta sleep it off. Doctor gave me some meds, just waiting till it hits."_

_She looked at him, considering for a moment. She looked around, her eyes hooded. _

"_Would you like for me to stay with you?" she asked, smiling softly at him. "I mean, if it wouldn't make it worse._

"_Yeah, I'd like that." he said, wincing as the ache grew worse._

_She drew to his side, her hands resting close to his head. He felt his eyes grow heavy, his breath steady. That is when he heard it. _

_She sang to him, voice soft in his ears. Her sensual voice filled with such longing, such feeling as it lulled him to sleep. It was beautiful. She was beautiful. He wanted to tell her so. He needed to tell her so._

"_You're beautiful." he breathed into her widened eyes._

_She sang for him, only for him._

* * *

><p>He walked to the doctor, nodding to her.<p>

"Migraine?" she asked, her brows furrowed. "Kaidan, you can't keep overexerting yourself. This happens when you do."

"I know, doctor. I promise it won't happen again." he breathed, rubbing at his brow.

"That is what you said last time, and here you are," she sighed. "vanguards, you never know when to stop."

Kaidan flashed her a sheepish smile as she injected sleeping agents into his system.

"There you go, Kaidan. Please do be careful in the future." she said, sternly.

He felt the drug immediately. He was obviously exhausted, his eyes growing heavy. The room got hazy, the lights closing in.

"Doctor, can you get the lights?" he asked, wincing.

The doctor turned the lights off, an apologetic look in her eyes. "Better?"

"Yeah," he breathed, feeling the first vestiges of sleep take him.

"You're beautiful" he whispered, unaware of the doctors widened eyes. "Sara, so beautiful."


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note:**

This story is very personal to me. Thank you to everyone who has read and commented. I appreciate it

**Disclaimer**: Bioware and EA owns all

* * *

><p>It was winter in Vancouver; it cast the type of chill that eats into your bones, and nothing can warm you. Impressive coastal mountain ranges provided a backdrop for the picturesque city. Kaidan's lips parted slightly, and he sucked in a quick breath of cold air. It was beautiful here. He was on leave, and he had one purpose. He would confront Sara. He walked down the street, turning into a small clearing.<p>

Fresh grass covered the landscape, soft to the touch. Kaidan took slow, easy breaths as if asleep. The hairs at the end of his neck prickled as a chill wind blew in his face. It tossed his hair about, tickling his nose. Dark clouds started to gather above him, hinting at a storm. A wry grin fell from his lips as he gazed at the sky.

_My life also seems shrouded behind a mask._

He didn't know who he was anymore since she left his life. He did not know what he wanted. All he knew was emptiness. It consumed him. It devours him from within; it felt as if his very core would vanish into oblivion. He hated the feeling, this hollowness within his chest. It had been such a long time since he lost her, and still he aches.

The omni-tool emitted a clicking sound for an incoming message. Kaidan stiffened. He pressed his finger on the display, and Liara's face flashed on the smaller screen. So she had gotten his message. His eyes narrowed when he listened.

"Kaidan, it is good that you're in Vancouver. You need to reach some type of closure with Sara. I agree, it has been far too long since we have seen each other. I miss you as well. I would like to see you when you come my way. Please contact my assistant when you arrive."

The message ended abruptly, leaving him with Liara's image. A deep pang throbbed in his chest. He was nervous. But, he had to see Sara with his own eyes. He actually sent Sara a message to her address earlier, surprised it actually went through. His heart stopped when the familiar ping for 'message sent' showed a successful transmission. He stared at his omni-tool for a few moments with his mouth agape before shaking himself out of his reverie. It wasn't like he expected her to reply. He sighed. He would walk to her, say his piece, and leave.

Memories were all he had of her, bittersweet memories of their time together. He did have one picture of their time in the Citadel, but he needed more. His memories of her contained a wistful element, yet underneath a darkness lurked that would faintly surface as if it were a mirage.

He kept walking along the path, willing himself to ignore his destination. He wanted to enjoy the beauty around him. The beauty of the trees and the scents of the various pines. It was quiet here, but a peaceful quiet. He didn't sense a foreboding presence haunting this place, just peace.

_Peace_.

His lips formed a straight line. Peace is what he desperately craved, after all, this time. Peace, he hoped, she would give him.

Cold and uncaring, the air around him congealed. Kaidan's throat thickened. He shivered. A white rose lay in his hands; he hoped she would appreciate the gesture. She always loved white roses. What a sad circumstance, it was now that he finally got around to buying her flowers. He sighed heavily.

"I brought you a rose," he said. "You always loved white roses".

He smiled walking forward, the rose stretching towards her. The sky ahead was still haloed in dark clouds, yet the rain would not come. The clouds were so heavy, the pressure to release intense, but rain never came. He knew that pressure well.

_Control, I must have control_!

"I miss you," he said. "I miss your voice. When you sang, it lifted me. When you spoke to me, I heard nothing else. I still hear nothing else. I only see you, and your beauty and God I miss you."

"I even miss our arguments," he chuckled, a whimsical smile adorning his lips. "I miss your headstrong attitude that drove me insane!"

There was no reply.

Shivering, he took one step closer. Kaidan's heart hammered in his chest, each step was difficult. He had to do this. He would do this. He would not fail! He thought about their arguments, how they seem so trivial. But, it seemed she loved to argue. _Probably, enjoyed the makeup sex_, he thought sardonically.

* * *

><p><em>Damn, Sara loved to argue.<em>

"_Damnit Kaidan. What are you doing!" she sighed, rushing to his side. "I swear to god!"_

"_Sara -"_

"_I mean, you told me you would think about it!"_

"_Sara -"_

"_Damnit!"_

"_I did think about it . . ." Kaidan said, smirking._

"_Really? So they had the same hour delivery?" she growled, looking pointedly at him._

"_Well, I did tell you I was thinking about buying it." he said, sheepishly._

_She glared at him, walking into the other room. _

_Sara stopped at the door, her lips pressed into a thin line. "Well, I am glad you took a whole five hours to 'think' about it. I hope you enjoy your new 'toy' because you will be sleeping with it tonight!"_

"_Sara! Come on!" Kaidan murmured, his most charming smile forming on his lips. "The omni-tool was on sale."_

_She didn't even stop to appreciate the grin, she turned and walked away._

* * *

><p>"Most of all, I just miss you. Why did you have to leave. Why did you leave me alone? I am surrounded by so many people, yet I feel alone. I am loved by so many, yet I feel unloved. I feel the comfort of my home and my family, yet no one can comfort me. I feel lost without you. I would take back anything, anything to hear your voice again. I would do anything if only to see the frown you would give me when I said something that clearly pissed you off. I miss the smile you reserved for me. Why did you leave me? Why was I never good enough!"<p>

He let her walk away. He caused this whole situation. Guilt rendered him speechless for a moment.

* * *

><p>"<em>Go, Kaidan. Now!" Sara said, her eyes boring into his.<em>

"_I can't do that, Sara," he whispered, his chest tightening._

_Her face became indifferent, her lips hard set. "That is an order, Alenko!"_

_He paled. He couldn't believe she would do this. She was choosing this! How could she not take him with her?_

"_You are choosing him over me?" Kaidan growled._

"_Fuck you, Kaidan. Get your ass down there. Now!" _

"_Fine," he hissed. "Whatever you say"_

_He felt uneasy, but he still walked away._

* * *

><p>"<em>Why was I never good enough<em>," he murmured in a soft whisper.

Kaidan's knees bent, his hands cradling his forehead. He did this. He felt he was never good enough. She never felt that way. He still remembered the look in her eyes when he accused her. No matter how hard he tried, no matter how successful he became, he was never good enough. He would never find peace.

"I have said I am sorry so many times, but you never hear me. You never want to hear me. So we lived our lives in silence, but I yearn to break that silence. I needed you, I still need you. Yet, I see it does not matter. It will never matter. I wonder if you forgive me, but your silence speaks volumes. So, if it was revenge you wanted on me, you got it. Look at me"

"LOOK AT ME!" he screamed, his voice rising with the wind. "I am a shell of who I was. I cannot eat, and my dreams are filled with nightmare about YOU!"

Silence answered him. She couldn't even dignify him with a response. Her last words dripped with disappointment. He disgusted her.

"I disgust you. I know I do. You probably don't even know me anymore. Yet, you knew me more than anyone had. Without you, I am alone. I will always be alone. You are the only one who could give me peace right now. You are the only one who can lift this curse from me. Why won't you answer me? Please, just answer me!"

His eyes grew heavy, his lids heated. He willed the tears to stay in his eyes. He would not cry for anyone, he never cries in front of anyone.

_I will not be weak!_

The dam broke, and tears fell unchecked down his cheeks, dripping to the ground. Yet, Sara remained silent. Sara could not approach.

"Please," he whispered. "Please"

Yet, the only thing that answered him was the cold wind. He stood straight, wiping his eyes, stiffened.

He walked up to the grave sitting in the center of the clearing.

_Sara Shepard. _

"I brought you a white rose," he whispered. "I loved you. I hope - wherever you are, you remember that"

As he backed away, he realized his quest for peace was not over. It would never be over.

* * *

><p>A man reclined in his chair, his legs spread evenly. Smoke formed a line in front of him, and he inhaled again. He smiled. Some called him the devil. Some called him their savior. Some called him an asshole. He didn't care. He had a mission. He would protect the world at all costs, even if no one wanted his protection.<p>

"Miranda. Report," he said, watching the screen in front of him.

He allowed his lips to curl up. He worked hard for this moment, and he felt a sense of awe that he would witness this event. His plans were a success. They always were.

He exhaled, enjoying the scent of the smoke.

* * *

><p>This is dedicated to my uncle who passed away. I wrote this as one shot a long time ago, as part of an original. I thought about how it could be used for Kaidan and Shepard, and I am happy with the way it turned out.<p> 


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